What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
He’s an elf-made man.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
Variety is the ice of life.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.