Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
I really like you. So does my wife.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.