What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
I have the final sleigh.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
I really caribou-t you.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.