What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
"You can't sip with us."
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.