“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
You're hotter than a data center!
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.