“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
I always have a ball with you.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
Fir sure.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.