If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
"You're the wine that I want."
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.