Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
I bet you’re really flexible.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
That’s a bit mulch.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.