What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
Join us for a slice of fun.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.