Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Paddy like a rockstar.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
I have bean
thinking about you.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.