How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.