This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Do you find bone puns humerus?
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
Love me till ice cream.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert