What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
"Some bunny loves you."
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”