Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.