Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
The temperature can only go up from here.
You're such a TEAse.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Life is better when we stick together.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.