My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
You mermake me happy.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.