There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Witch you were here.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?