Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
It's always a first class trip with me.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Long time no sea.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?