What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.

Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth

The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."

Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"

Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.

I beg your garden?

What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.

What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”

What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.

Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”

What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!

I pitcher us together forever.

If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.

Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”

Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.

Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.

Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!

To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!

Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.

What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.

What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.

Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.

What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.

"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud

Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!

When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.

I’m so lepre-gone right now.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!

Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.

I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.

Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!

What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.

What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!

“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn

"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?

If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous