What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I find you very a-peeling.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Whatever floats your goat.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.