I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain

The sun is just a big space heater.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.

"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."

- Victor Borge

“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous

What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.

You make my heart skip a beet.

Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?

Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.

Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.

What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.

Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.

What's taken before you get it? Your picture.

My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”

- Louise Bates Ames.

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke

My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.

I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.

My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown

What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!

There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?

What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell

Donut even think about taking another donut!

Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...

How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips

Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.

Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.

Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.

Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!

When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.

Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.

My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."

Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?