I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
Stay true to your shelf.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.