“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.