"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
Readers do it by the book.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Dublin over in laughter.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.