Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
"You crack me up."
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)