Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
All farts...are laughing gas.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?