My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

"Just one hot chick."

What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.

You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.

What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!

"Hey there, hop stuff."

I had a salad pun, but I tossed it

Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!

Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.

What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.

Girls just wanna have sun.

Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.

What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.

What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!

The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.

Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.

There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run

The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.

Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?

When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."

What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.

You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!

What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.

“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco

What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.

Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.

What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn

What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.

Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.

Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.

What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry

What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.

What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.

What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.

Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!

I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.

What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.

My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.

I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad

Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.