One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
Sea you at the beach.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Beach you to it.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.