Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker

Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”

What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!

“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”

What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.

What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!

It's a nice night for a white rice fight.

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss

Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.

She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"

I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost

Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.

Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.

How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.

You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.

What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.

Levi's should pay you a royalty.

How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.

A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.

Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!

Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.

I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.

Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out

Til death do us part and then some, dear.

Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.

Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.

Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.

What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict

After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."

A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.

What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.

What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.