Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
This foundation is rock salad.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
Water you doing?
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.