The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.