If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
How was Heaven when you left it?
Here's to a big opening weekend.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I think therefore I yam.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.