What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
If you were here, Abby all over you
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
I really like you. So does my wife.
Live to tell the tail.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Your good weed for the day.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.