“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
I'd run miles just to be with you.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!