How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.