Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.