“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.