What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.

What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.

What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.

“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!

The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.

Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish

Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!

New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...

My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?

I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.

Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.

Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!

What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.

Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!

Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!

My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.

I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."

I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.

Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"

The horse said "nay."

The pig squealed.

What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.

It's a nice night for a white rice fight.

What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!

What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.

What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick

Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!

The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper

Irish I had another Guinness to drink.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss

What did the Wife say to the Husband?

You are exhausting!

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.

What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.

Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.