In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Are you squiding me right now?
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.