Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Can I be Candide with you?
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
I'm the life of the paddy.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!