You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
You sleigh me.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.