The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.