What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand