A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
I really like you. So does my wife.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
You are sweeter than 3.14.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!