I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.

"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis

In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.

Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.

If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.

I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?

I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.

Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.

I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".

If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.

Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.

Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!

The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.

It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.

One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"

A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.

What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.

Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.

That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.

You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.

I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart

How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.

General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"

Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.

Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".

You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.

What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.

What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick

Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy

What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.

What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.

It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.

Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.

What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.

What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!

Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.