Seas the day!
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.