“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke

Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?

What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.

What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"

"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.

“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.

You’re the gravy to my turkey.

What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind

Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Juno.

Juno who?

Juno I love you, don't you?

I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place

Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.

My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.

I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.

What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.

I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!

Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.

I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.

What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”

I’m establishing my punning game early today.

We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.

You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.

Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.

“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”

- Robert Brault.

I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.

"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb

What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.

"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.

I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.

What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!

Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?