I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.