Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
I would give anything to be your personal item.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
I want to stretch with you.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Belize let me hold you.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
"Be kind, re-wine."
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.