What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Whatever coats your boat.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.