My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
"Here for the right riesling."
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."